04th Mar2012

Things In The Military That Drive Me Crazy

by A.J.

Things That Drive Me Crazy About The Military

To start out, I would like to say I love being in the military. The United States Military is the single greatest force for good, the world has ever known (short of say the divine); anyone who wants to debate that fact can include a comment to the contrary. That being said, there are some things that drive me nuts, so I am going to list a few and ask you if you agree. This is only obliquely related to Tactical Performance but if done properly it should be somewhat funny. I am doing it with pictures so you can get through it quickly.

The Flying Humvee

Really? A Humvee that flies? We have those they are called Choppers. Stop building equipment that solves problems that either don't exist, or could be solved with tactical solutions. Do you really expect the same E-1 who can barely drive a Humvee to now fly a Humvee. Maybe just don't fight an unconventional war with conventional troops. $40 million to invent a concept we already have.

The Robot Doctor

Military Robot Surgeon

How in the name of all things holy is it easier to make a robotic doctor than to make a robotic soldier. Look, I am no surgeon but it would seem to me that correcting multi system trauma caused by high velocity projectiles and overpressure events is most likely way harder than welding a machine gun on a Roomba and proping your Ipod camera to it. I tell you one thing is for sure the brain trust that came up with this one has a real finger on the pulse of landing government contracts.

Who Decided To Put The Worst Food in The World In Combat

Military anti-fitness

It is a tough job to turn a civilian who will literally complain about beer being too cold into a warrior. Do you know how much harder it is to get these guy to perform when this is what they eat. Look I am not a crazy person but I have never seen Kobe Bryant sucking the filling out of a Twinkie right before getting on the court. Give military members vouchers to go to Whole Foods Market (that place is expensive).

Inventories For Equipment That Has Been Obsolete For 20 Years

Okay, read that serial number back to me... Yeah 00001 computer, military, one each.

Safety Briefing

Well men, you have done well in combat and your ability to safely navigate mine fields and enemy fire is second to none. You are all adults and most of you have kids of your own and mortgage payments, but I wanna talk to you about swimming; if you go swimming have a buddy and never run with scissors.....

Who Picked The Army ACU Pattern?

In an effort to make someone a ton of money and find a pattern that "works everywhere" they have come up with something that works on this couch, in a gravel pit and on the Moon; everywhere else it is terrible. Please next time turn off the Power Point and actually go outside before putting this albatross around the soldiers' necks.

Every Level of Command an Order Goes Through Requires Time to Be Pushed Up 10 Minutes

Military Bunks

Where is everyone? They have a training jump today. When is time on target? 1600. When do they take off? 1530. It is 0300 now! well it is a regimental jump so.....

The Idea that Wearing Body Armor Everywhere is Smart

Okay, body armor is awesome and every time I have been shot at somehow as if by magic it has become weightless. But, when I go to the chow hall and see everyone except congressmen and contractors wearing body armor I get pissed, not because they should be wearing it but because it is dumb and, if it is dangerous then stop eating and pull security. Also I hate it when people think you should wear body armor on a foot patrol in tropical Asia, the guys who tell you to wear it are risk averse, career minded morons who will kill more people with heat stroke than any enemy fire.

Chow Halls With Terrible Food

I know this relates to the above but the point needs to be made. If you want troops to have high octane performance, you need to give them high octane food. In basic I was only allowed one "meat" but, I was told I could eat as much cake as I wanted! It doesn't have to be this way, did you ever get to eat at the D Fac in the Bagdad embassy? Alaskan king crab, waffle bar and yogurt stand. Nutrition is 80% of performance don't screw the troops over. Also side note if you want wars to end; stop feeding the flag officers this well in combat zones.

Do We Need This Many Mandatory Briefings?

Dear Military, By the time you read this I will be gone. Your anti suicide briefing made me hang myself... Thank you for the 4 hour anti terrorism briefing, the E-2 who conducted the briefing gave me huge incite that 10+ years of fighting terrorists and dozens of days on sniper recon/surveillance missions studying pattern of life would never have given me... Hello, 1942? Hi this is A.J. I have been sitting in this anti sexual harrassment briefing for 6 hours and was wondering, did anyone, anywhere, ever, actually call females "toots"?... The only time I have ever had an inclination of being mad at my awesome mechanic who works tirelessly to fix all the vehicles my ODA smashes is when I connected the fact that he may or may not be gay (don't know, don't care, but he has a lisp) with the fact that training we had planned for 14 months got cancelled because someone, somewhere, who I have never met, who was here after I got here and will have left before I am done, signed a bill that forces me to go to a 6 hour mandatory "homosexual training" briefing. My wife: Honey, what did you do today? Me: Homosexual training, can you bring me a beer? Please... My Wife: You sure you don't want a Zima with a jolly rancher?


So I wasn’t sure how to classify this post but I am going to call it “humor” because if I wasn’t laughing I would be crying. I will have new posts back on track this week with more Tactical Athletic Performance. Thanks for reading and please share this with your battle buddies on your social network of choice and be sure if you enjoyed this post to remember us the next time you want to use on of our affiliates because, half the proceeds go to great military foundations like the Special Operations Foundation and all you gotta do is click and check out stuff you would check out anyway. Also be sure to leave a comment if you liked (or hated) this post.

10 Responses to “Things In The Military That Drive Me Crazy”

  • Walter

    Flying hmvee…oh I’m sure the chaps in the motor pool will be on top of maintenance as they are with all other “non-flying” vehicles!

    • Well Walter I think you have a great point. Of course a few insurgents running around in the desert trying to find reverse in a Russian tank aren’t going to be a problem but maintaining an up armored flying Humvee will be a worthy adversary like the “man in black pajamas” Thanks for the comment and the “Big Lebowski Reference.” LOL

  • Walter

    One more thought!
    So under Obama’s second term health care plan, “scalpels ready” these robot doctors will be manufactured by the “99%ers”, you know the “20 something’s” who can’t hold down a job as a fry cook and watch Micheal Moore movies in their parents basement!
    Boy, can’t wait for my Reduced cost liver transplant I’ll need in a few years!!!

  • Matty

    I don’t know if you are giving the flying humvee a fair shake. All the problems can be fixed. We’ll need skilled operators to drive them. They can go to, say, 2 years of training, and we’ll call it…oh, I don’t know…flight school. And when their done we’ll call them “pilots”. Of course, we’ll need skilled people to maintain the flying humvee so that it doesn’t break down in flight. They can go to special training too, some kind of “Aviation” training…stay with me…and they can deploy as some kind of detachments because they will need to be grouped together for resources and convinience–and because they will be so occupied maintaining the flying humvees that they won’t be able to focus on other soldier duties–So we’ll keep them in some kind of “port” specially made for these “aviation detachments”. Yeah, that’s the ticket, it will be a sort of “air port”. Of course, they will have to fly the humvees out to pick up the troops where they are located for missions, but that’s no a big problem…unless the weather is bad or it is night time….we’ll have to put some kind of computer thingies in the flying humvee that can help navigate in low vis. It will be very expensive but worth it, I’m thinking a name like “avionics”. So I think that covers it Negative Nancy. Of course, if the troops have to move to where the flying humvee is going to pick them up from their patrol base they might need some kind of ground transportation, so we’ll have to see if we can invent some kind of non-flying humvee.

    • Matty this is an absolutely awesome response it is forcing me to totally reexamine my stance on the entire thing. You have a lot of great points. Thanks for the comment.

  • DG

    Ah…the red cement blocks in front of the food court…that’s how I knew where the exchange was, by those red blocks.

    “Welcome to Balad people…if you haven’t been to hell, you might wanna go there for a little R&R…”

    That’s a running joke here…”If I have to go to another Suicide Briefing, I’m going to off myself”.

    My take on the briefings/safety briefigns; hire confident, and more importantly, MOTIVATED people to begin, and that would easily remove the requirments for 95% of that junk


    • For me mandatory briefings are a great time to ask questions about the statues of RFS’s (Requests For Supply) or just rehash some sweet war stories (mine get better and more harrowing every time I tell them) that are only obliquely related to the subject. Or if it one of the highly coveted “be nice briefings” I know I have the chance to get a few more hours of shut eye before the afternoon work out.

  • Swantech 50,000

    Wish I had something funny to say, those other comments are comedy big time.
    How about this beef, Putting garrison crap before field/training. Worse my platoon had it was when we literally got called out of the field to clean our barraks rooms cause they didn’t meet the POG’s standards(granted they were pretty bad anyway). One time we were practicing stoppage remediation and stuff and got kicked out of the area we were in so motor t could practice drill. For a short time they made everyone set thier gear up the exact same way(worked well for me being a lefty, NOT) in order to look “uniform”. And before the Marine Corps went sleeves down permantly I literally got told I needed to tighten my rolls before I could draw my gun from the armory.

    • Brother I hear you Lima Charlie,
      I was just complaining yesterday about how when we are deployed as combat guys we bust our asses and a bunch of the stuff that is “super important” in garrison is not even worried about but when we are back in the states it seems as if they make up stuff to do just so we can’t spend too much time training for combat. The only peice of kit I want set up the same way on my team is the IFAK (first aid kit) because there is always that bozo who will put it somewhere that you is dumb and when I got to treat a wound I end up spending 30 seconds trying to find his kit among all the pockets full of rip its. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

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